


Science is for Winners

by NeoVenus22



Category: Portal (Video Game)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-18
Updated: 2011-08-18
Packaged: 2017-10-22 19:16:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/241593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeoVenus22/pseuds/NeoVenus22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cave Johnson wakes up each morning with only one thought in mind: Science!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Science is for Winners

Cave Johnson wakes up each morning with only one thought in mind: Science! Well, and breakfast. Two thoughts! He's progressive! You don't get to be Shower Curtain Salesman of 1943 without being progressive, and you don't get to be the founder and CEO of Aperture Science without a lot of progression, a lot of science, and a little bit of asbestos. A lot of asbestos. That stuff's everywhere.

He heads to his office every morning with a belly full of eggs and a mind full of ideas. Caroline brings him a cup of coffee, the saint. He signs off on some paperwork from the eggheads: something with tiger DNA, yes; spy bees, double yes; propulsion gel, only if it can get him out of traffic jams.

Being a CEO is a full-time job. Well, of course it's a full-time job. It's his job. He makes a few pre-recorded messages glad-handing the vagrants (er... _volunteers_ , Caroline really gets on his back about these things). Then the lab boys come running in with some whine about an element in the repulsion gel devouring marrow, or something equally dramatic. Every time the lab boys come in clutching their pearls about faulty this or tumor-causing that, Cave has one solution. More pre-recorded messages! It covers all bases.

Caroline brings him another cup of coffee and tells him a story about her pet bird. She loves that thing, brought it to the office with her. She rescued it from the streets just like Aperture Science Innovators rescues vagra-- _volunteers_ from a life of fighting other bums for hats and propels them forward into a life of fighting the conventions of modern science. Cave doesn't love the bird, it keeps eating his potato salad. But Caroline is the best goddamn assistant in the history of anything, so if she likes the bird, she keeps the bird. If she says he can't fire Wheelchair Eddie in Accounting... well, screw her, ramps are expensive. But she's still the best goddamn assistant.

Lunch is meat and potatoes, which the bird eyes. Cave eyes the bird right back. When life gives you shower curtains, you sell the living crap out of them. When life gives you birds, you scare the bird away when your assistant isn't looking and eat your damn lunch in peace. Birds aren't very science-y, anyway. _Spy bees_ , now that, that is science. Cave can't wait for the day when he can just monitor everything right from his office, and won't have to deal with the lab boys running in every five minutes. Maybe he should start putting them through testing, then they won't have to complain so much or ask too many questions.

Caroline brings him some more coffee and a pantywaist from the lab follows her in, blathering about safe science. Cave fires the guy and asks for the report on moon rocks. They cost money, apparently. A lot of it. Well, of course they do! Moon rocks are the future, and the future isn't cheap! He is Cave Johnson! If he wants to put the Aperture logo on the moon, _he'll do it_!

Actually, that's not a bad idea. He makes a note for the lab boys to look into lasers. Really strong ones. They won't soon forget the name Aperture Science! Or Cave Johnson!

He decides he's done enough innovating for the day and heads home. Wishes he could use some of that propulsion gel stuff to speed along the process. Adds that to the list of ways Aperture is going to change the world. He sold these people shower curtains, and now he's going to sell them the future. And science!


End file.
